ONLY PARTLY FAKE EXCERPTS From Today’s Presidential News Conference

Let me tell you something.  Tomorrow morning, and I predict this, you people – you media, with your false horrible fake horrible fake false horrible fake horrible news, so much fakeness and falseness, so much horrible not-niceness — you’ll write your headline “Donald Trump rants and raves”.  I predict it.  And let me tell you here and now:  tomorrow’s headlines are WRONG.  THIS?  This isn’t ranting and raving, as you well know.  When I rant and rave YOU’LL WELL KNOW IT!  Everybody will well know it!

Every day, every single day people tell me, Mr. President — they say that because I won by a record-breaking marginal number, I broke records with marginal numbers, I kid you not — every day people say to me, Mr. President why does the media LIE?  What they SHOULD be asking is “Why DO the media lie?” because “media” is plural.  You didn’t know that, media, did you?

Do you get paid by the lie?  You — and this is an alternative FACT — you have a lower approval rating than a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.  Ev-er.  In his-tory.  What’s my so-urce?  You’re seriously asking for my SO-URCE? My SOURCE is the information I was given by the President of the United States, given just now by a President who won by those record-breaking marginal numbers!  Look around, people, and what do you see?  CHAOS!  The media is LYING all around us, lying on the grass, on an old couch, on the floor, on footstools, on ceilings if there’s velcro.  I inherited this mess and it makes me SICK to my INTESTINES!

I keep reading how my administration’s “chaotic”! It isn’t chaotic!  It’s well-machined, an oily machine, very very oily, tremendously. And speaking for myself and not someone who isn’t myself I OWN NOTHING in Russia, have no DEALS in Russia, don’t know what Russia IS, never HEARD the WORD until YOU said it – is that even how you pronounce ‘Russia’? and why am I asking you lying liars anything, and why am I now asking you lying liars why I’m asking you anything?  The way you (singular) lies or raves, or lie or rave, or the way “youse” lie and raves, or rants and lie(s)(s)!  So much raving and ranting.  And you never listen!  So listen!

Hear anything? Not ME!  That is so so WRONG, just so so wrong.  Sad.  Sadly wrong.  Believe me.  BeLIEVE me.

Shall we be a LITTLE fair for once? Instead of all this hatred, which isn’t normal hatred which is normal where this is HATING hatred with all the raving(s)(s)(s) and rantings(s)(s) — let me offer a little guidance from your President who won by the most massivestest margin(s) since Tutankhamen dumped whoever Tutankhamen dumped – THIS President SWALLOWED the electoral college WHOLE, and HE suggests that for ONCE you just — ask him how he’s feeling?  Maybe he has a headache.  Leg cramp.  Intestinal pain every two minutes followed by a dull ache in his right thigh.  Ask him who’s his favorite actor; favorite kind of spit; favorite kind of bomb; favorite first person he ever fired from his cabinet yet. But you won’t will you, you won’t ask anything like that, not one of you except everyone on Fox And Friends– and you know WHY you won’t?  Because if I thought Mike Flynn WASN’T calling Russia, which if I tripped over in the street I wouldn’t recognize, I would have said:  “You call Russia NOW, whatever it is!” And then I would have FIRED him for not calling until I had to TELL him to, EXACTLY the way I fired him for calling when I DIDN’T tell him to, immediately a few weeks the second after I was just this second told right away a few weeks ago.

You people disgust me.

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