U.S. immigration officials, acting quickly to enforce new rules from the Department of Homeland Security, conducted the first mass-deportation earlier today at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington D.C. The building, known locally as “the White House,” was identified as a priority target following distribution of an internal memo outlining the new policies, which authorize expelling undocumented immigrants who have committed even minor offenses, and make it easier to deport people immediately.
The memo, sent by the President himself, omitted the words “undocumented immigrants;” Trump press secretary Sean Spicer insisted “We assumed that was implicit.”
Immigration officials, however, interpreted the memo to apply to “anyone who has committed even minor offenses” and quickly herded dozens of newly-appointed West Wing staffers, along with all members of the Trump cabinet, the Vice President, and the President himself onto long-range transport helicopters headed for so-called “dark site” refugee camps located “somewhere in Mexico.”
Emergency judicial appeals requesting formal re-interpretation of the internal memo have thus far failed, according to Spicer. “We’ve filed with every known so-called U.S. judge and former so-called judge, and no-one will countermand the memo,” apparently because it was signed by the President himself.
The President was not available for comment.