After weeks of public speculation that President Donald Trump may be “unhinged,” administration sources revealed today that the President is now set to undergo experimental hinge-ing surgery.
A team of global specialists who examined Trump late last week, issued a joint statement confirming that Trump is indeed unhinged, and adding that prospects for hinge-ing him are “bleak.”
“You need to understand,” team leader Dr. Albert Strangelove elaborated, “that the notion of rehinge-ing assumes initial hinge-ing. In this case we’ve been unable to establish a timeline during which the unhingeing occurred. We now suspect that the President was born without a hinge.”
Asked to comment on this report the President began to rant, confirming the diagnosis.
U.S. immigration officials, acting quickly to enforce new rules from the Department of Homeland Security, conducted the first mass-deportation earlier today at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington D.C. The building, known locally as “the White House,” was identified as a priority target following distribution of an internal memo outlining the new policies, which authorize expelling undocumented immigrants who have committed even minor offenses, and make it easier to deport people immediately.
The memo, sent by the President himself, omitted the words “undocumented immigrants;” Trump press secretary Sean Spicer insisted “We assumed that was implicit.”
Immigration officials, however, interpreted the memo to apply to “anyone who has committed even minor offenses” and quickly herded dozens of newly-appointed West Wing staffers, along with all members of the Trump cabinet, the Vice President, and the President himself onto long-range transport helicopters headed for so-called “dark site” refugee camps located “somewhere in Mexico.”
Emergency judicial appeals requesting formal re-interpretation of the internal memo have thus far failed, according to Spicer. “We’ve filed with every known so-called U.S. judge and former so-called judge, and no-one will countermand the memo,” apparently because it was signed by the President himself.
The President was not available for comment.
Let me tell you something. Tomorrow morning, and I predict this, you people – you media, with your false horrible fake horrible fake false horrible fake horrible news, so much fakeness and falseness, so much horrible not-niceness — you’ll write your headline “Donald Trump rants and raves”. I predict it. And let me tell you here and now: tomorrow’s headlines are WRONG. THIS? This isn’t ranting and raving, as you well know. When I rant and rave YOU’LL WELL KNOW IT! Everybody will well know it!
Every day, every single day people tell me, Mr. President — they say that because I won by a record-breaking marginal number, I broke records with marginal numbers, I kid you not — every day people say to me, Mr. President why does the media LIE? What they SHOULD be asking is “Why DO the media lie?” because “media” is plural. You didn’t know that, media, did you?
Do you get paid by the lie? You — and this is an alternative FACT — you have a lower approval rating than a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. Ev-er. In his-tory. What’s my so-urce? You’re seriously asking for my SO-URCE? My SOURCE is the information I was given by the President of the United States, given just now by a President who won by those record-breaking marginal numbers! Look around, people, and what do you see? CHAOS! The media is LYING all around us, lying on the grass, on an old couch, on the floor, on footstools, on ceilings if there’s velcro. I inherited this mess and it makes me SICK to my INTESTINES!
I keep reading how my administration’s “chaotic”! It isn’t chaotic! It’s well-machined, an oily machine, very very oily, tremendously. And speaking for myself and not someone who isn’t myself I OWN NOTHING in Russia, have no DEALS in Russia, don’t know what Russia IS, never HEARD the WORD until YOU said it – is that even how you pronounce ‘Russia’? and why am I asking you lying liars anything, and why am I now asking you lying liars why I’m asking you anything? The way you (singular) lies or raves, or lie or rave, or the way “youse” lie and raves, or rants and lie(s)(s)! So much raving and ranting. And you never listen! So listen!
Hear anything? Not ME! That is so so WRONG, just so so wrong. Sad. Sadly wrong. Believe me. BeLIEVE me.
Shall we be a LITTLE fair for once? Instead of all this hatred, which isn’t normal hatred which is normal where this is HATING hatred with all the raving(s)(s)(s) and rantings(s)(s) — let me offer a little guidance from your President who won by the most massivestest margin(s) since Tutankhamen dumped whoever Tutankhamen dumped – THIS President SWALLOWED the electoral college WHOLE, and HE suggests that for ONCE you just — ask him how he’s feeling? Maybe he has a headache. Leg cramp. Intestinal pain every two minutes followed by a dull ache in his right thigh. Ask him who’s his favorite actor; favorite kind of spit; favorite kind of bomb; favorite first person he ever fired from his cabinet yet. But you won’t will you, you won’t ask anything like that, not one of you except everyone on Fox And Friends– and you know WHY you won’t? Because if I thought Mike Flynn WASN’T calling Russia, which if I tripped over in the street I wouldn’t recognize, I would have said: “You call Russia NOW, whatever it is!” And then I would have FIRED him for not calling until I had to TELL him to, EXACTLY the way I fired him for calling when I DIDN’T tell him to, immediately a few weeks the second after I was just this second told right away a few weeks ago.
You people disgust me.
Why are we making so much of this? The truth, as I said yesterday, is Michael Flynn had the full confidence of the President. And that was the case right up until, like, a millisecond before the President demanded his resignation. I love how you all pretend to be so surprised, like that never happened to you? Worse, you’re missing the real story — which is how inspiring it was to see the President’s trust just VOOM! disappear! So DECISIVE — like he sat on a whoopie cushion, so one millisecond there’s total confidence, total loyalty, and next millisecond everyone’s whispering, like, did that just happen? Then you realize: NO, it DIDN’T happen, that rude noise had nothing to do with Mexican food, it was just the President’s confidence rushing out all at once. I can tell you, to see the masterful way the whoopie cushion handled the situation — one minute Flynn’s there, the next he’s gone! I got goosebumps, honestly! Now let’s not play fast and loose with the truth here, Matt, because Michael Flynn did nothing legally wrong. And the issue wasn’t that he lied about everything to everyone at every turn — I mean who among us, right? The President demanded his resignation and Flynn resigned without being asked and the President didn’t know until yesterday after he was told weeks ago and yes yes yes it’s all true, don’t go there — anyway, it only happened because, and I’ll say it again, Michael Flynn did nothing WRONG! Ok, not because he did NOTHING wrong — but President Trump — and I spoke with him in my mind barely a minute before coming on your show, in fact he’s still talking to me as I speak — the president just realized there was no walking back the lack of trust around WHEN General Flynn was lying, HOW he was lying, HOW MUCH he was lying, and most importantly, HOW WELL he was lying, where he just graded out very very low. And our President lost confidence — he will not tolerate that kind of thing in this White House. But do you like my necklace? Special Ivanka price for the next 10 minutes for Valentine’s Day — you go ahead and get to the website, I’ll let myself out.
In the wake of the 9th District Court’s unanimous rejection of the Trump Administration’s move to overturn a stay of the Muslim travel ban, sources close to the President have revealed that a new strategy is rapidly taking shape: revising the Executive Order to include “mass judicial vacations”.
The amended EO reinstates the Muslim ban, while establishing a new FBI division, dubbed JNLYBJ [Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged] and placed under the personal supervision of Director James Comey. The division will be tasked with the immediate relocation of all Federal judges and their families from within U.S. borders to “very nice places, very very, phenomenal, ocean views without bird-killing windmills, the real deal believe me.”
Interviewed on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, Administration spokesperson Kellyanne Conway explained that the new strategy is “Constitutional because it is, I mean you people!” Conway went on to say, “The Precedent is the decider. He gets to decide what kind of oversight the Courts have over anything he decides about what kind of oversight the Courts have! This is getting silly!”
Conway vigorously denied allegations that the order could be characterized as “an Inquisition-style expulsion” or “judicial ban designed to take over the government.”
“What the American people want to know is why you always interpret things in the worst possible light? He’s doing this to HELP! He thinks judges look tired. Every judge he meets — tired! Vladimir mentioned that bookings are light at the black site thingies in the Arctic Circle, and you know how things just sometimes click? Well it clicked! By the way, you’d look GREAT in Ivanka’s charcoal pull-ons, not the black, the charcoal. Size, please?”
In an emailed agenda outlining this afternoon’s press conference, Press Secretary Sean Spicer included an apparently related note: “The press corps looks kinda burnt out to me too. POTUS worries. You should take care of yourselves. Enough said?”
Precedent-Elect Donald Trump announced today the formation of The Department of Terribleness, a new Cabinet-level agency tasked with monitoring the disturbing growth of terror-affiliated groups including “Election Was A Massive Historic Landslide” Deniers, Not Nice People, Liars Who Lie, Bad People, Very Very Bad People, Nasty Women, Some People Are Just Very Crooked Folks, Sore Losers, People Someone Should Get Out of Here, People Who Should Shut Up, The Millions Of Fake Voters Who Died Decades Ago But You Never Hear About That From The Media Do You, People Who Post Nasty Things About Precedents, and You — Yes You. According to KellyAnne Conway, rumors that Roy Cohn will be resurrected for the post of Terribleness Czar are true and unfounded. “The real question is, when will the media stop asking real questions?”
Trump doubts Supreme Court pick Neil Gorsuch’s critical remarks. Supreme Court pick Neil Gorsuch doubts Trump remarks doubting Supreme Court pick Neil Gorsuch’s critical remarks. Trump responds, doubting Supreme Court pick Neil Gorsuch’s remarks doubting Trump doubts about Supreme Court pick Neil Gorsuch’s critical remarks. Supreme Court commits mass suicide.
In an early morning Twitter storm Donald Trump has accused God of being “a loser. Nasty too! Picks Saul: fail. Picks David: fail. Picks Solomon: fail. America to God: time to GO!” A subsequent Tweet seemed to temper the criticism – “Plagues, well-formulated. Parting Red Sea: impressive. Jesus: nice beard.” But the combative President followed with this: “6 days to build world? Really? And why make mosquitos??? FAIL!” Trump concluded with what appeared to be a challenge: “My incredible new Cabinet finishes in 4; 5 if unions get nasty. Plus, 6 days then he rests?? LOSER!!” Sources close to God were silent.
In a joint press release, Donald Trump and the E! Network announced today the signing of a multi-year deal to produce a new reality show that will “give viewers a totally unedited look at the wacky day-to-day antics that happen all the time in the ultra-secret safe rooms buried deep within otherwise impregnable bunkers hundreds of feet under the White House.” The show has been tentatively titled “Precedential Apprentiss: Give Me One Good Reason Not To Throw You Out of The West Wing, My People Say I Won By A Huge Margin When You Drop The 23 Million Totally Illegal Votes From Dead Mexican Drug Dealers And Murderous Kenyan Muslims, Let’s Remember Russians Have Feelings Too.” According to an E! spokesperson, the production has been fast-tracked, with the first episode potentially airing as early as February 22nd. Sources close to the negotiations suggest that the tight schedule was deemed necessary because “technically it’s multi-year, but no one expects we’ll have time to shoot more than a couple.” Initial financing has been underwritten via a grant from a newly-formed Russian, Chinese, North Korean, Iranian foundation.