The American Suicide (Attempt)

Let’s review, shall we?

Donald Trump has exposed a massive flaw in the Constitution: that once you’re President you can ignore that crucial document, if you like. Checks and balances only work if the institutions that hold those strings use them. And in 2016, the minority party — Republicans — in concert with unimaginably wealthy believers in a return to medieval feudalism (in which birth determines class) such as the infamous Koch brothers, succeeded in overtly and in plain sight, stealing control of the House (again), the Supreme Court, and most egregiously, the Presidency.

This is not hyperbole: since 2009, Republicans quietly focused on winning state legislatures, wherein they changed Congressional district lines to fragment progressive voters, until right-wing voters held majorities wherever possible. This gave them a stranglehold on the House of Representatives.


In 2016 they spent 11 months refusing even to hold hearings to review Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court — illegally, unconstitutionally, except no Democrats could work out how to legally or constitutionally challenge them.


The head of the FBI, James Comey, committed acts either of sedition or astounding hubristic incompetence that cost Clinton the election on technicalities. Vladimir Putin also helped to install his preferred candidate, with the imbecilic cooperation of the narcissistic fool Julian Assange and his belief that privacy in government should not exist — a digital invasion of the U.S.


The manufactured scandal of Clinton’s emails — which no doubt will baffle future historians — was manipulated in such a way that our Fourth Estate (the press) became entranced by the glory of daily headlines that distracted from Trump’s astounding lack of knowledge, competence, emotional stability, awareness of even basic matters of civil law, and utter lack of grounding in the philosophy of the American experiment (constitutional, republican democracy which, for all its obvious hypocrisies and flaws, does still exist — for the moment, anyway).


The combination of all that, added to the global wave of reactionary nationalism, fundamentalism, political / religious embrace of suicide as a means of negotiation, unregulated capitalism, the myth of rational markets, the astonishingly rapid redistribution of wealth and therefore power, the assault on voting rights, and the willful, suicidal ignorance of vast numbers of U.S. voters allowed a known extreme narcissist with sociopathic behavioral tendencies and delusional psychic reflexes to squeeze through hitherto unseen cracks in a political system that relies, alarmingly it now seems, largely on tacit agreements among participants to adhere to certain behavioral norms. Trump, having no interest in tacit agreements or norms, and no understanding or respect for the form of government that has allowed him to cheat his way through a business career shot through with scandal, lies, and malfeasance, is — until we can all catch our breath (one hopes) — presently a toddler set loose in a world of highly breakable but irresistible toys. The human id write large and orange-haired.


I believe he’ll be thrown out, but not before Republicans (and Bannon) have used him to unravel many of the pillars of our social safety net, and of the humanism that was starting to take root under Barack Obama.

REPORT: Media Blames Conway for Existing

A new report published by The Hill suggests that KellyAnne Conway “blames media for violent protests at UC Berkeley.” In response, Media, a shadowy organization whose members are known only to the Trump administration’s newly formed Office Of Press Suppression (“OOPS”),  issued its own statement which “blames Conway for existing.”

This is a major shift for Media, which in prior months repeatedly denied that Conway “can possibly be real.”

REPORT: Trump Seeks to Establish “Unbeatable” Record for Consecutive Constitutional Violations

Sources close to the ‘President’ suggest that there is a carefully thought-out strategy behind Donald Trump’s remarkable string of direct constitutional violations.

“The ‘President’ has always admired Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak. He aims to beat it by picking up one violation per day through the first 60.”

Other unnamed sources cautioned, however, that Trump’s team of constitutional lawyers has raised serious concerns with the free-swinging right-hander.

“The Constitution is so compressed; the concern is that there may not be 56 opportunities for direct violations. After he nails the Amendments the pickings get pretty thin.  It’s simple math: you won’t get the violations if you don’t get the at-bats.”

Leaked Draft of Religious Freedom Order Reveals Sweeping Plans to Legalize Discrimination Against Trump

A leaked copy of a draft executive order titled “Establishing a Government-Wide Initiative to Respect Religious Freedom,” reveals sweeping plans by the Trump administration to legalize discrimination against Donald Trump.

The draft order seeks to create wholesale exemptions for people and organizations who claim religious or moral objections to Mr. Trump. The White House did not respond to requests for comment, but when asked Monday about whether such an executive order was in the works, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters, “Look, people, not now, OK?I’m out of Advil, never mind Xanax, Lithium, Resperdol, Abilify, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro, Thorazine — even St. John’s Wort. What I can tell you now is that if — if — such an order were to be issued we anticipate that three-fourths of the population of the United States will file, myself included.  CNN, however, is exempt from all exemptions.”

Following the Spicer announcement the ‘President’ issued a clarifying statement with regard to the CNN exemption:  ‘Nah nah nah nah nah’.

Trump Promotes “Let’s Drop The Big One” As New National Anthem

“President” Donald Trump today proposed changing the U.S. national anthem to Randy Newman’s ‘Let’s Drop the Big One’. A spokesperson noted “The song hits all key points in our emerging foreign policy.”

The ‘president’ issued a Tweet directly proposing the change, at 3:45am EST:  “Face it folks: the Jew hit it outta the park. Nailed new foreign policy. Stuff about Australia: BEAUTIFUL. America ONLY!”

According to unnamed sources Newman is attempting to respond but thus far ‘words fail him.’

Proposed New U.S. National Anthem: Let’s Drop The Big One

No one likes us
I don’t know why
We may not be perfect
But heaven knows we try
But all around
Even our old friends put us down
Let’s drop the big one
And see what happens

We give them money
But are they grateful
No, they’re spiteful
And they’re hateful
They don’t respect us
So let’s surprise them
We’ll drop the big one
And pulverize them

Asia’s crowded
And Europe’s too old
Africa’s far too hot
And Canada’s too cold
And South America stole our name
Let’s drop the big one
There’ll be no one left to blame us

We’ll save Australia
Don’t want to hurt no kangaroo
We’ll build an all American amusement park there
They’ve got surfing, too

Boom goes London
And boom Paris
More room for you
And more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it’ll be
We’ll set everybody free
You’ll have Japanese kimonos, baby
There’ll be Italian shoes for me
They all hate us anyhow
So let’s drop the big one now
Let’s drop the big one now

Written by Randy Newman • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

BREAKING FAKE NEWS: Trump “Likely” Born in Ivory Coast in 1879

High-level sources confirmed today that allegations that Donald Trump was born outside the United States are “completely true, in the sense that they’re probably false and ask me if I care.” Reports that Trump was born in Africa’s Ivory Coast in 1879 first hit social media sites months ago, following the Precedent-elect’s own bombshell claim that “Barack Hussein Obama” is the adopted name of Myron “Tzimmes” Feldberger, eldest child of Jack “The Zipper King” Feldberger, of Highland Park, Illinois. An imaginary childhood friend, who requested anonymity, noted that “Myron eventually realized that a rich Chicago Jew had no shot at the White House, whereas a poor, half-African Christian from Hawaii, Indiana, and Indonesia, whose middle name, Hussein, sounded Muslim, was practically a shoe-in.” Responding to the latest Trump-Ivory Coast birth claims, Kelly Anne Conway, appearing on MSNBC, was quick to offer a note of caution. “If you’re asking me if the ‘president’ was born, the answer is the same I would give if I were answering. If you’re asking me if he was born in Ivory Coast, you’re a sore loser. Let me remind you that a small minority of Americans have handed us a sweeping mandate to pretend that they’re a huge majority. I mean pro-life means pro-life, right? What you should be asking is whether America is ready for its first unborn President. About which I, for one, will say anything that pops into my head, which the liberal media will, predictably, claim I said. For example, I like borscht but not bananas.” Ms. Conway subsequently issued a blanket post-interview denial that she had issued a blanket pre-interview denial that she would deny issuing further blanket denials which she denied issuing. The Trump surrogate went on to dismiss James Comey’s recent revelation that a mountain of evidence, collected by the FBI “with extreme carelessness,” has all but proven that Conway is fictional.